If we use the most cliche of metaphors and say that my life is a tunnel and that my future is the bright light at the end, i cant quite make it out. If we go with a less cliche metaphor and say that my life is a map and I'm reading the directions, I still can't quite make it out. I thought i was headed right to the highway, but now i find myself traveling all these weird back roads, and my original route seems hopeless confusing.
I thought i wanted to be an artist. But i didn't realize what that meant until now.
I think that being a professional artist takes a great amount of self confidence, and the belief that you are the best, that you can do it. I don't always believe that my work could ever make it. Its a weird feeling, realizing that your dreams will probably not come true. That your probably not good enough, that you might live the life you always feared. Being an artist is so raw, I don't think my fragile bones could take that kind of exposure. Even if i wanted to, which i don't know if i do, the chance that others would like my work is outstandingly insignificant, that it alone is enough to talk anyone out of anything;the undeniably odds are stacked up so high against me that what ever beautiful metaphorical horizon line is out of sight. I am so afraid that even if i conquer the odds, ill find that there is no horizon, and there is no sun. Then i'll be left with nothing. But what scares me more than that is waking up one day and regret every decision i ever made, and hating my self for not believing in my dreams. Because no one else will if i don't.
I want to badly to be great.
I want to be remembered. If your existence only lasts until that last person who remember you dies, where will i be? I am not ready to not exist. I'm not ready for my paintings to be thrown away or sold for a quarter out of my basement after i die as strangers trade money for my old things. That is not who I want to be. I don't want to give up now, to never look back at these days where i truly believed i was worth something, that someday I would matter, that they would matter. I'm not ready for that either.
So I have to decide whether it is more terrifying to try and to fail, or to never try at all.
Ignorance is bliss in the same way an artless being could never feel this sort of pain. I wish every day i had any other passion.
But I can't quite make out if I even really mean that at all. Not yet. Maybe not ever....but defiantly not yet.
- Listening to: Kate Nash-The Nicest Thing
- Drinking: Soup
it scares the hell out of me to think that 99 percent of people on the planet just have family after they're gone, and when their family is gone everything is gone and not a single person knows of what they accomplished while they were alive and all they have is a name stored onssome "find anyone" website on Google. And I know that even if I say, and mean it too, that you're great and amazing and inspirational a million times, the confidence you get will only be a brief burst. Same with me and everyone who has ever considered following a career that revolves around anything aesthetic, even drawing anime cats on flash, which i used to think would make me famous. But I've never met or heard of anyone who had unlimited confidence when it comes to art. I mean they exist, people like robyn, but they're stupid and we know it. I secretly wish that I just wouldn't give a shit about my art andbelieve tthat I'll get anywhere I want like she does but I can't and neither can you because we understand the chances we have and we panic bout it because we have to!! Art sucks but I bet that everyone who has dedicated their life to pursuing a dream, any dream, has it too. Like singers, musicians, even people who want to be doctors or something probably stop at some point and think shit is this sctually what I want to do with my life?? And that's something that makes me feel a little better at least, to know that it's not only me tthat freaks out about careers and life and shit but a large portion of the student body who work hard and dream fir some sort of awesome, personalized future. It sucks and I wish more people would have awesome confidence because I honestly don't get why most of us feel so insecure all the time because we all get so many compliments but just one negative comment shatters the tower?? It's stupid and your art Is so beautiful but yet you feelllike it'll be worth less
i hate this feeling!!!!! and you used a vocab word....im telling scherms. i wish i was like robyn to....honestly i wish i was like any one else. I want to be ok with being mediocre, you know? or at least believe that im not